Well guys, frozen toe season is upon us and the sound of sharpening edges and cutting tags off overpriced gore-tex pants fill the air. It won’t be long now until we’re standing in the chairlift line with hundreds of other like-minded keeners with frozen smiles and fogged goggles. With an exciting season ahead of us, I thought I’d take the opportunity to address probably the most common concern that clouds everyone’s pre-season mind, which is of course, how to be cool on the chairlift.

Part 1: The Approach

So, you’re cookin’ it down the hill, laying down the cleanest pencil lines cause you’re an absolute beast. You chose the run under the chairlift, just so everyone going up can see your next-level pole plants. The bottom of the lift is now in sight, as well as the 100 others patiently waiting in line. Now is the time to kick it into mach-chicken. You’re going to want to straight-line it as fast as you can until the very last second. Only you know how great your hockey stops are, but nobody in the lift line does yet. Ignore those orange slow signs, they only apply to those less skilled than you.

Part 2: The Entrance

The party has arrived folks. After cranking out the largest bomb of a hockey stop, the dust will settle and everyone should now know who shreds the hardest. Now that you’re at the back of the crowd, it’s time to choose the shortest line. But, what about that singles line, perhaps that will be quicker? It’s hard to tell sometimes, so the best way to advance is to choose a line, and if another line seems to be moving quicker, then duck the rope and cut over to that one. People should understand and move out of your way.

Part 3: The Line

Alright, you’re in the line and it’s long, like really long. Time to get the tunes out. Go ahead and turn on your massive bluetooth speaker. Next, play Sail by Awolnation on full volume to spread the stoke. When moving forward, if the person in front of you starts to lag, very gently take your skis and initiate a friendly slam into the back of theirs. Don’t worry about damage, after all, they only see the front of their skis when using them.

You’re now just about at the front of the line, but look! You spot a friend just finishing the run so you give him a beckoning wave, but he doesn’t see you. The best way to get their attention is to stop moving, turn your skis sideways, so they take up the width of the line, wave both poles violently in the air and yell as loud as you possibly can. Your buddy comes over and begins snaking the line to get to you. If you say “it’s okay he’s with me,” people should understand. If they don’t, just tell them that “friendship is one of the most important things in life.” 

You’re now at the front and begin to proceed through the scanner, but it’s not scanning and stops you dead in your tracks. Great. You remember that your pass was supposed to be placed on the left side, but it’s on your right. So, instead of taking the pass out and scanning it, you should just bump and grind the absolute crap out of the scanner, hoping that it will scan. Even if it takes longer, everyone will see how loose your hips can get on the dance floor.

Part 4: The Chairlift

Finally, you’ve made it on the chairlift. First things first, grab that restraining bar and slam it down as fast as possible without any verbal warning. The faster everyone on the chair is secured, the better. If you smack someone on the head with the bar that’s their fault because they should know that there are inherent risks in the extreme sport of skiing.

Now, go ahead, relax and spread your feet so your skis make a massive V the width of the chair. You just killed that last run and deserve a break. Don’t be afraid to rest your skis on everyone else’s top sheets if need be. This is also a great time to get to know your chairmates. Here are some great topics of conversation that go perfect with strangers:

• General complaining about your hangover, the crowds, or food prices.

• Political and religious views

• Let everyone know how many days you’ve gotten in this season

• Ask if it’s okay if you have a smoke, as you light one

• Give overpriced gear recommendations

• Talk about how the conditions aren’t nearly as good as when you were in the Alps or Japan or somewhere really cool

• Roasting snowboarders, to a snowboarder

• Roasting weekend warriors, to a weekend warrior

• Hit on them, even if their parents are sitting next to them

• Just sit there and continue playing Sail by Awolnation on your speaker

Part 5: The Exit

As great as it is chatting with new friends on the lift, the ride is now quickly coming to an end. Just like lowering the restraining bar, you’re going to want to pop that baby back up as fast as you can without verbal warning. Bonus points if you can wait until literally the last second, people love that game. The best method of dismounting the lift is to try and get a jump on the others and cut them off, even better, stick your pole out to create a barrier. If anyone tries to cut you off, throw your cigarettes at them and ski away like a boss.